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Description
The Noid was once at the panicle of superstardom. He had everything someone with too much money and not enough sense could possibly want. As his habits and deviations grew so did the list of people who literally wanted to “Avoid the ‘Noid.” Dominos realized their mascot was becoming too unruly and changed their original slogan, “The Noid’s a Joy!” to the aforementioned, “Avoid the ‘Noid.” Admittedly, it’s got a much better ring to it. It was the last effort to save $6 million on the last three ad campaigns featuring the mascot before he was to be permanently retired. This unfortunately happened sooner than Domino’s had planned.
Conceived in a part of the underworld that few in this world have a reason to know about, the ‘Noid was birth-hatched like so many of his kind. (If you’ve never heard of this, I will explain. The Pizza Demon gestates in an egg deep inside of its mother’s abdominal area. Much like mammals, with the obvious exception of gestating in an egg. When the mother gives birth, the egg is expelled from the birthing canal an over a vast cavern, slamming against a wall) those that survive must learn immediately to utilize their “’Noid Bounce” to return across the cavern to its mother.
Years later he would come to the surface for the first time, sent to take the first born of a first born. As he entered the home late that evening, a scent caught his attention. As he surveyed the area he noticed standing in the dark kitchen to his left a man, slowly and obviously enjoying the cause of the scent.
Without realizing it he found himself compelled to approach, without caution. Too late he realized the man could see him and began to panic. The man was thrice his size, as Pizza Demons are built for stealth and speed. If he returned without the child, his life too would be forfeit. He’d become a topping for the younglings feeding for his failure. Without the element of surprise he had no hope of killing this giant and keeping his own neck intact. He had not however realized that humans do not deal with his kind on a daily basis. In fact, unknown to him at the time, humans have no idea about the surrounding world and rarely notice even when they’re staring right at a thing. Sadly unperceptive creatures.
Panicking himself survival instinct took over. He bounced around the kitchen, distracting the man to the point of near dumb foundedness. He stole the slice of pizza from his hand during one pass, to help add to the confusion. Perhaps the night wouldn’t be a total loss, he could come for the child another night. The pizza might just throw this elder off, leaving the child unattended in the confusion of an unbelievable creature stealing his midnight snack. He took his first bite of pizza as he bounced out the kitchen window, shattering the glass and causing lights to flip on around the neighborhood. He scurried off before being seen and made his way into the sewers. They are smaller than the movies always portray, in case you didn’t know. But the Pizza Demon is a small creature, and it was barely more than a stoop for him to move freely.
The next night as he moved through the streets and sewers of downtown New York, he began noticing oh so many smells, mottled though they were by the stench around him. Making his way out of the sewers, he cleaned himself off and made his way towards the lights and smells of downtown New York after dark.
Many don’t know about the Pizza Demon’s ability to clean itself. They are able to withstand heat many times that of a human being. The underworld is a… warm place in areas. They combust and burn away everything touching the surface of their body, and into any seepage that may occur to underlying tissue. It’s a horrible smell. A necessary thing however, that needed to be done.
It took nearly no time at all before folks ‘round New York and the surrounding boroughs were used to him. If you ask a New Yorker there’s so much strange in New York he didn’t really stand out. I’d like to think they’re just more tolerant than they thought.
Early one morning in July of 1985 cast and crew members of Barry Gordy’s “The Last Dragon” walk into a donut store for breakfast. This donut store shared a wall with the Domino’s Pizza in which the creature had taken up residence. He started more than one rumor about that particular location. For the sake of the employees, I won’t mention where. They’ve been through enough.
The crew knew the moment it walked in that they had something special. Barry Gordy’s first main grip had been in a cab with Thomas Monaghan, the founder of Domino’s Pizza. He was in New York for some meeting or other, who really knows what a Pizza Mogul does once the pizza chain is established? That, at any rate, is a discussion for another time, by men far more knowledgeable in the ways of philosophy than myself.
I digress. The two men, as it turned out, had much to talk about. Tom, as he would later come to be known by the young grip and his friends, was looking for a new way of marketing. Something that would shock the public. Something that people could rally for. In this case it turned out to be against, but they did try something new. Edgar Jay Worthington Ellis, the young grip for Barry Gordy knew he had a fortune walking in. If it was at all intelligent, he’d be able to retire in about three hours. He exited the production five hours later.
However being what he was, a demon in point-of-fact, he couldn’t possibly appeal to America. It agreed to undergo extensive skin grafting and treatments along with surgical reconstruction. The result was the creature that most of America ever got to see. At least, the ones that didn’t see him near the end. The ones that didn’t see what happened to him. Without the income, without the lifestyle it had come to know, without the money to pay for the surgeries and skin treatments to keep it presentable for American audiences…. It … it was a demon. It looked like it.
A deal was struck, all they pizza it wanted, and a lifestyle to rival the Rolling Stones if it wanted. One year later America was first introduced to “The Noid.” For nearly 5 years The Noid had the run of competitive priced pizza chains and all the perks that came with it. He had women, money, pizza, a penthouse, and all the coke he could consume. He was little, but so energetic. You should know his whole species simply isn’t like that. They rarely interact with humans, but they do love Pizza, it’s just a different kind of pizza. Made of ground babies and failed mission brethren. That said, that energy has to come from somewhere. It couldn’t keep going though. No one not named Keith Richards ever could. After his second failed video game released on the Nintendo Entertainment system, Yo! Noid, The Noid fell into obscurity. By 1994 he’d wasted and snorted every last cent he’d had, and was borrowing more money than he could ever hope to pay back.
I knew him well, the creature. The first time we met was a day I never forgot, it was a day that changed me forever. When I was a boy. He told me, in his own way, that he was going to burn his way to the top, and shine as long as he could. I took it to mean, and feel to this day I’m correct, that he always knew, and even went so far as to direct events towards his ultimate demise. He always knew there wasn’t going to be a happy ending. On December 6th, 1994 in what was at the time the parking lot of the first and only home of Miami’s first all nude 24 hour adult Denny’s, at the hands of NYPD and three crime families in the Greater New York/Jersey area in what authorities would later refer to as a “Scarface-esc” showdown The Noid was killed in a “standoff” with authorities and crime families despite never having had a weapon. Bottom line is that the crime families were owed a debt, they owned most of the police force and saw a perfect opportunity to make an example and rid themselves of a constant annoyance at the same time.
On January 30, 1989, Kenneth Lamar Noid, a mentally ill customer who thought the ads were a personal attack on him, held two employees of an Atlanta, Georgia, Domino's restaurant hostage for over five hours. After forcing them to make him a pizza and making demands for $100,000, getaway transportation, and a copy of The Widow's Son, Noid surrendered to the police. Many believe that this was the beginning of the end for The Noid. I tend to agree.
It was the first to visit us. It is why we know about these Pizza Demons. He never deserved to go out like that. I don’t mean gunned down, he was nuttier than a Mr. Peanut swimsuit catalog. He was the original “N” word. He was my friend not long before it was done. He just didn’t deserve to be forgotten.
Conceived in a part of the underworld that few in this world have a reason to know about, the ‘Noid was birth-hatched like so many of his kind. (If you’ve never heard of this, I will explain. The Pizza Demon gestates in an egg deep inside of its mother’s abdominal area. Much like mammals, with the obvious exception of gestating in an egg. When the mother gives birth, the egg is expelled from the birthing canal an over a vast cavern, slamming against a wall) those that survive must learn immediately to utilize their “’Noid Bounce” to return across the cavern to its mother.
Years later he would come to the surface for the first time, sent to take the first born of a first born. As he entered the home late that evening, a scent caught his attention. As he surveyed the area he noticed standing in the dark kitchen to his left a man, slowly and obviously enjoying the cause of the scent.
Without realizing it he found himself compelled to approach, without caution. Too late he realized the man could see him and began to panic. The man was thrice his size, as Pizza Demons are built for stealth and speed. If he returned without the child, his life too would be forfeit. He’d become a topping for the younglings feeding for his failure. Without the element of surprise he had no hope of killing this giant and keeping his own neck intact. He had not however realized that humans do not deal with his kind on a daily basis. In fact, unknown to him at the time, humans have no idea about the surrounding world and rarely notice even when they’re staring right at a thing. Sadly unperceptive creatures.
Panicking himself survival instinct took over. He bounced around the kitchen, distracting the man to the point of near dumb foundedness. He stole the slice of pizza from his hand during one pass, to help add to the confusion. Perhaps the night wouldn’t be a total loss, he could come for the child another night. The pizza might just throw this elder off, leaving the child unattended in the confusion of an unbelievable creature stealing his midnight snack. He took his first bite of pizza as he bounced out the kitchen window, shattering the glass and causing lights to flip on around the neighborhood. He scurried off before being seen and made his way into the sewers. They are smaller than the movies always portray, in case you didn’t know. But the Pizza Demon is a small creature, and it was barely more than a stoop for him to move freely.
The next night as he moved through the streets and sewers of downtown New York, he began noticing oh so many smells, mottled though they were by the stench around him. Making his way out of the sewers, he cleaned himself off and made his way towards the lights and smells of downtown New York after dark.
Many don’t know about the Pizza Demon’s ability to clean itself. They are able to withstand heat many times that of a human being. The underworld is a… warm place in areas. They combust and burn away everything touching the surface of their body, and into any seepage that may occur to underlying tissue. It’s a horrible smell. A necessary thing however, that needed to be done.
It took nearly no time at all before folks ‘round New York and the surrounding boroughs were used to him. If you ask a New Yorker there’s so much strange in New York he didn’t really stand out. I’d like to think they’re just more tolerant than they thought.
Early one morning in July of 1985 cast and crew members of Barry Gordy’s “The Last Dragon” walk into a donut store for breakfast. This donut store shared a wall with the Domino’s Pizza in which the creature had taken up residence. He started more than one rumor about that particular location. For the sake of the employees, I won’t mention where. They’ve been through enough.
The crew knew the moment it walked in that they had something special. Barry Gordy’s first main grip had been in a cab with Thomas Monaghan, the founder of Domino’s Pizza. He was in New York for some meeting or other, who really knows what a Pizza Mogul does once the pizza chain is established? That, at any rate, is a discussion for another time, by men far more knowledgeable in the ways of philosophy than myself.
I digress. The two men, as it turned out, had much to talk about. Tom, as he would later come to be known by the young grip and his friends, was looking for a new way of marketing. Something that would shock the public. Something that people could rally for. In this case it turned out to be against, but they did try something new. Edgar Jay Worthington Ellis, the young grip for Barry Gordy knew he had a fortune walking in. If it was at all intelligent, he’d be able to retire in about three hours. He exited the production five hours later.
However being what he was, a demon in point-of-fact, he couldn’t possibly appeal to America. It agreed to undergo extensive skin grafting and treatments along with surgical reconstruction. The result was the creature that most of America ever got to see. At least, the ones that didn’t see him near the end. The ones that didn’t see what happened to him. Without the income, without the lifestyle it had come to know, without the money to pay for the surgeries and skin treatments to keep it presentable for American audiences…. It … it was a demon. It looked like it.
A deal was struck, all they pizza it wanted, and a lifestyle to rival the Rolling Stones if it wanted. One year later America was first introduced to “The Noid.” For nearly 5 years The Noid had the run of competitive priced pizza chains and all the perks that came with it. He had women, money, pizza, a penthouse, and all the coke he could consume. He was little, but so energetic. You should know his whole species simply isn’t like that. They rarely interact with humans, but they do love Pizza, it’s just a different kind of pizza. Made of ground babies and failed mission brethren. That said, that energy has to come from somewhere. It couldn’t keep going though. No one not named Keith Richards ever could. After his second failed video game released on the Nintendo Entertainment system, Yo! Noid, The Noid fell into obscurity. By 1994 he’d wasted and snorted every last cent he’d had, and was borrowing more money than he could ever hope to pay back.
I knew him well, the creature. The first time we met was a day I never forgot, it was a day that changed me forever. When I was a boy. He told me, in his own way, that he was going to burn his way to the top, and shine as long as he could. I took it to mean, and feel to this day I’m correct, that he always knew, and even went so far as to direct events towards his ultimate demise. He always knew there wasn’t going to be a happy ending. On December 6th, 1994 in what was at the time the parking lot of the first and only home of Miami’s first all nude 24 hour adult Denny’s, at the hands of NYPD and three crime families in the Greater New York/Jersey area in what authorities would later refer to as a “Scarface-esc” showdown The Noid was killed in a “standoff” with authorities and crime families despite never having had a weapon. Bottom line is that the crime families were owed a debt, they owned most of the police force and saw a perfect opportunity to make an example and rid themselves of a constant annoyance at the same time.
On January 30, 1989, Kenneth Lamar Noid, a mentally ill customer who thought the ads were a personal attack on him, held two employees of an Atlanta, Georgia, Domino's restaurant hostage for over five hours. After forcing them to make him a pizza and making demands for $100,000, getaway transportation, and a copy of The Widow's Son, Noid surrendered to the police. Many believe that this was the beginning of the end for The Noid. I tend to agree.
It was the first to visit us. It is why we know about these Pizza Demons. He never deserved to go out like that. I don’t mean gunned down, he was nuttier than a Mr. Peanut swimsuit catalog. He was the original “N” word. He was my friend not long before it was done. He just didn’t deserve to be forgotten.
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Amazing!